apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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