In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
