Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
