I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
