I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
