Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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