your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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