why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize