please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
