put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
