I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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