You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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