Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
