Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
