I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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