She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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