just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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