i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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