i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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