i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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