i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
