I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize