we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
