I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize