his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
