Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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