Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
