I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So much rum. So many feels.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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