We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
