If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
