singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
