Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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