Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
