fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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