There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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