My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
