I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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