I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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