Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
