A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
