then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
