I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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