singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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