my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
