So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
