he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
