great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize