More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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