Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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