she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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