If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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