Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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