Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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