I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
