i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
