ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
