if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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