do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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