Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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