"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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