I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
