Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
my liver is dry heaving
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
